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5 Mar 2021

Brownie’s One Year Angelversary

Author: brownie1201 | Filed under: Uncategorized

Today on March 5, 2021 is Brownie’s one  year Angelversary.  I never thought of life without Brownie.  It was not an option!  When Brownie was first diagnosed with Osteosarcoma I prayed every night for one more day.  Please, just one more day.  We were blessed with 373 more days.  I have read that many members ask “how do I know when it’s time”?  Well, I can’t answer for everyone but I can tell you how I knew Brownie was ready.  Brownie was tired.  When I looked in his eyes I no longer saw his sparkle.   I could no longer feel his soul.  It was like looking at a blank page. Brownie could have held on longer but he was no longer happy.  When we first began this journey I promised Brownie I would not be selfish.  I would not hold on to him for me.  So, I kept my promise and said goodbye even though it was one the hardest things I ever had to do, but I did it for Brownie.

I have found it’s the little things that I miss so much!  Brownie coming  up to me with a sparkle in his eye and love in his heart just to say “I love you mom”.  The deep Woof Woof when the garage door opens.  Greeting me at the door with a wagging tail and a stuffy in his mouth.  And the famous Woof Woof at 7:00 pm, cookie time.  I have realized that the little things are the most important things. The things I treasure the most!

For such a long time I felt like I fell in a black hole and could not find my way out.  On August 22, 2020 the sun began to shine.  A sick 12 week old puppy came into my life, who I named Kenzie.  Some people said I was trying to replace Brownie.  When I hear that all I can do is laugh! There will always only be one “Brownie Bubba Bell” and he is irreplaceable!  The way Kenzie’s story unfolded, some of you have said Kenzie was sent by Brownie.  When Kenzie began to heal, I noticed the white fur on her chest was in the shape of an Angel.  I would like to think Brownie put it there just to let me know that he is watching over us. Kenzie has definitely found a home in my heart.

When Brownie passed a lot of you told me “Brownie doesn’t want you to be sad”.  To tell you the truth I didn’t believe it.  I thought “they are just saying that to make me feel better”.  I started thinking back,  and I remember I  always worried if something happened to me, what would happen to Brownie?  Brownie would not go with another human, and the thought of him ending up in a shelter was devastating.  So, I thought that Grizzly and his dad would be the best option since Brownie loved Grizzly so much.  So I made arrangements with Grizzly’s dad and funds would be provided for Brownie’s care if something happened to me.  I just wanted Brownie to be happy!  Then it all clicked.  I wanted Brownie to be happy if something happened to me.  So, of course Brownie wants me to be happy!  Maybe he did send Kenzie to make me happy?  It finally all clicked in this thick stubbrand head of mine.  Brownie wants me to be happy!

This is my final tribute to Brownie. I never thought I would say this but It is time to say goodbye.  Not that I will ever stop missing Brownie.  Not that I will ever stop thinking about Brownie.  Not that I will ever stop loving Brownie. I will still have tears, but laughter as well as the memories come pouring in.  As long as I have the memories Brownie will never die.   It is time to set him free.  I do not want Brownie to feel strapped down because of my grief.  I don’t want Brownie to feel guilty because I am sad.  I have always been so proud of Brownie for so many reasons, and I know whatever journey he is on he is still making me proud.   This is not a sad time.  I finally got it!  I know that Brownie is fine and happy again! The only thing that matters is Brownie is happy!  He is in a beautiful place, pain free and whole again, and at the same time I know he is still with me.  He is feeling a love that the rest of us can only imagine. Now it is time for Brownie to be proud of me! I truly believe the way I can make Brownie proud of me is to move forward with life and to be happy!

When the day comes my ashes will be spread with Brownie’s ashes. But until that day comes I will  embrace each day as Brownie taught me, and as Brownie did.  I know Brownie will be watching and looking over us the entire time.   I know in my heart, one day Brownie and I will be together again….

My Dear Beloved Brownie, Thank you for picking me! Thank you for loving me!  Thank you for your loyalty! Thank you for always standing by me through the hard times and the good times! Thank you for being there when no one else was! Thank you for all the lessons you taught me! Most of all, Thank you for just being you! You will always be my heart, and I will never ever forget you!

I loved you yesterday, I love you today and I will love you always!

Mom

 

7 Dec 2020

Christmas Past

Author: brownie1201 | Filed under: Uncategorized

Kenzie, Max, Sassy, and I are wishing everyone a Merry Christmas! This Christmas will be bitter sweet.  I am excited that this will be Kenzie’s first Christmas!  I can’t wait to see how excited she will be when she finds her stocking full of goodies! However, with some of the things she has done, it should be full of coal.  lol.  But I am also feeling a lot of emotion, because this will be the first Christmas without Brownie since 2008.  Brownie loved Christmas!  When the tree and the stockings went up, he knew what was coming, and he definitely knew who Santa Clause was!

Christmas 2017

 

 

Christmas 2018 (sorry video is a little dark).  I can’t believe just two months later he would be diagnosed with Osteosarcoma, and our life would be turned upside down.  But thanks to this amazing community we made it through.sp_hearticon2

 

 

2019 was Brownie’s last Christmas.  Due to the cancer, and the senior issues Brownie was having, I knew it would be, so I tried to make it special.  He was a happy boy Christmas morning when he saw how full his stocking was, and of course the traditional turkey.

Christmas 2019

Brownie had the same stocking since 2008.  Christmas just wouldn’t be the same without it.  So this year it hangs on his nook.

 

We are Wishing Everyone a safe and Merry Christmas! We hope all your pet’s stockings are full of goodies this year!

 

5 Sep 2020

Six Month Angelvursary

Author: brownie1201 | Filed under: Uncategorized

Six months ago today Brownie and I said Goodbye.  Sometimes it seems like yesterday, and sometimes it feels like so long ago.  I think the ones who have been through this journey know exactly what I mean.  Even though Brownie’s last day was heartbreaking, I did feel a sense of relief.  A sense of relief, because I knew he would never be in pain again.  A few hours before Brownie crossed over, he hopped up to me, looked me right in the eye and wagged his tail.  I was feeling guilty that maybe we said goodbye too soon.  Then Sally, who is always right, said it is better to have a good memory then a bad one.  Well, I have been doing a lot of reading, and have read that our pets know when they are going to pass over, and will leave us a memory moment.  Something they have not done before, or have not done in awhile.  Brownie had not hopped up to me like that in over a week, but he used to do that several times a day.   I now know that Brownie was giving me a memory moment.  He was telling me “Mom I know it’s time, but it’s going to be ok.  I will still be with you”.  I can not get that picture out of my mind.  On March 5, 2019 I did not let my feelings show, because this day was about Brownie, not me.  After he crossed over I didn’t cry much.  I thought “what’s wrong with you?”  It turns out, even though I was with him when he crossed over, I was in denial.  I kept waiting for him to hop around the corner.  I would constantly get up to go look for him.  I even found myself in the toy aisle picking out  a new toy.  When the day came to collect Brownie’s remains, I was excited.  Brownie is coming home!   But when they brought out a bag of  his remains, foot print, and fur clipping, It hit me hard! I lost it right in the middle of the vet’s office.  At that moment I realized Brownie is not coming home.

I could not pack up Brownie’s things and throw them in a closet.  So I made a nook.  I would like to thank the ones that contributed to Brownie’s nook.

Jim (Admin Guy) The popular Brownie Banner that always pops up when I need to see it the most.  My heart skips a beat every time I see it.

Rene (Jerry) I have one of my beautiful Tripawd Necklaces hanging over Brownie’s urn, and another piece you sent me hanging over one of his pictures.

Sally – The beautiful cardinal dish, and the note that you wrote I keep inside the dish. I am continuing to search for the cardinal.  Aso, the card “Sunshine”.  The song I always sung to Brownie, “You are My Sunshine”.

Jackie – The card you made of Brownie and Grizzly.  It reminds me of such good times!  I remember when I use to say to Brownie “Go Get Grizzly”.  Brownie would run up to Grizzly’s door, bark as if he was telling him to come out and play.

Bev – I have the two beautiful stones sitting in a dish from Italy.  They are just beautiful!  I am still researching them, and will use them to connect with Brownie.

Lana – Thank you for the gift book “Every Dog An Angel”.  I have read it several times, and it brings me comfort.

Paula – The beautiful card you posted when Brownie passed sits next to his urn.  I have not taken the necklace off since I received it.  I will always carry Brownie’s heart in mine, as you do for Nitro.

Karen – The first post you wrote “I would take hate the vet into consideration”.  I am so happy we did, and was happy that someone else understood the reason I made the decision I did.  I have a copy of the post in a Memory Book that is filled with letters and poems I wrote to Brownie when we started this Journey.

Ava’s Mom – The post you wrote about Brownie’s journey thanking him for helping you through your own journey .  That means so much!

Today is bittersweet.  Today is Brownie’s six month Angelversary, but also the day Kenzie comes out of quarantine due to the mange.  I think Brownie knew I would be sad today, and wanted me to have something to celebrate.  That is just who Brownie was/is.  Always thinking of Mom. Some of you say I have a heart like no other, and I really didn’t get it.  But now I know. Brownie is not in my heart, He is my heart!  He is the one that has a heart like no other!  Years ago I bought a plaque that reads “I want to be the person my dog thinks I am”.  I hope I was the mom that Brownie wanted, and so deserved!  Brownie made me a better person!

My Dear Beloved Brownie, You rescued me in so many ways! I am so sorry I was unable to rescue you…

I loved you yesterday, I love you today, and I will love you always!

 

31 May 2020

Letter to Brownie “A Tribute”

Author: brownie1201 | Filed under: Uncategorized

My Dear Beloved Brownie,

On June 5th it will be three months since you passed over. I have cried many tears, have had sleepless nights, and have missed you so much! If I was granted a wish for anything in the World, it would be to have one more day with you. But Brownie, mom is tired of feeling sad, and a new day has begun…

I will no longer mourn your passing. I will no longer be sad, or feel lost. I will begin to celebrate your life, and celebrate your spirit that is whole again and happy. I will celebrate the magnificent beast you are. The dog with the biggest personality that ever wore earth clothes. I will remember the stubbrand and determined dog who fought cancer with everything he had. I will remember how blessed we are that we had so many wonderful years together. Yes, there were some tough times, but we made it through. We made it through together.

On April 1st I released balloons to celebrate your 13th birthday. That evening I saw the biggest brightest star shining over our house. I was so drawn to that star. I got a warm feeling, and a feeling of comfort. I knew at that moment, that you are still with me. Some evenings, after the sun goes down, I go outside to the backyard, and in that same spot, I will see that star shining so bright. I know you are telling me that everything is going to be ok. You are letting me know that we have made it through tough times before, and we will get through this too, together. I gave the star the name of “Brownie’s Star”.

The first time I saw you on a chain, I thought you needed me. But the truth was I needed you, and you knew that. When you escaped your chain you could have gone anywhere you wanted, but you chose to find me. You picked me to be your mom!  How honored, proud, and happy I am that you picked me! I will always be your mom, and you will always be my Bubba.
Brownie, this tribute is for you. It is a small way for me to thank you for loving me……

I loved you yesterday, I love you today, and always…..

Mom

 

26 Oct 2019

Eights Months and Counting

Author: brownie1201 | Filed under: Uncategorized

Hi Everyone!

Mom said today is a special day because eight months ago today I was diagnosed with cancer, and all odds were against me surviving this long.  Mom said it all has to do with diet, supplements, and lots, and lots, and lots of love, and also to the Tripawd Community for all of your support!  I think mom would of gone crazy without all of you!

I do have good days and bad days, but mom said that is due to my age.  Mom said she has good and bad days as well!  I guess it is just a part of getting older.

Also, Christmas is just around the corner!  I can not wait.  I have been especially good this year!   Santa always brings Max, Sassy and I gifts, but I am expecting something big this year!

Sally!  Do you know what?  Mom said I can have ice cream for desert tonight to celebrate my 8th month!  YEA!!!!

Well…That’s all for now,

Love Brownie