My Beloved Brownie

So, here we are.  Another Angelversay. Number four. I know this is a day I am supposed to celebrate Brownie’s life, but how do you celebrate the worst day of your life? I remember being at the vet’s office sitting on the floor in the little room next to Brownie.  He was having a hard time catching his breath and he wouldn’t look at me.  At 6:03 pm on March 5, 2020 Brownie put his head in my lap as he took his last breath. As I got up I kissed his head goodbye. As I was walking out I turned and looked at him again and told the tech “I don’t want to leave him.” Brownie did not want me to leave him anywhere.  The hardest thing was to leave without him. When I first joined this community I saw that some were grieving their pets for three, five and even for ten years.  How could that be?  I have 22 pets waiting for me on Rainbow Bridge. I loved them all. When they passed I grieved and moved on.  But then I lost Brownie.  Now I get it! When you lose a person or pet that you have such a bond with, it is completely different. After four years Brownie is still the first thing I think about when I open my eyes in the morning and the last thing I think about when I close my eyes at night. 

I always felt, when you lose a pet, when you are ready, bringing a new pet into your home is a way of honoring them. When I first got Kenzie, people told me I was trying to replace Brownie.  They told me because Kenzie is brown. I don’t care if Kenzie was purple green or orange I would still have brought her home.  I remember seeing Kenzie on facebook, and it was like someone was whispering in my ear “that is your dog.  Go get her.” When Kenzie’s fur started growing back in, a white patch on her chest formed an angel.  I took that as a sign. She was meant  to be with me.  I would never try to replace Brownie.  That would be literally impossible! There is only one Brownie Bubba Bell!

Brownie and Kenzie are completely different.  Brownie was a very strong and proud dog.  Very independent. Kenzie needs to be taken care of. Kenize wakes up at the same time every day.  Has a nap at the same time every day, and gets tucked in for bed time at the same time every evening.  Brownie was street smart!  He just knew when something or someone was not right! I remember my ex and I were having an argument.  Brownie was just over a year old. Brownie came walking into the room and started walking circles around my ex. My ex looked at Brownie and left the room.  That was the end of that argument! Even though Kenzie was born on the streets, she does not have a lick of street smarts.  But Kenzie has book smarts. Kenzie was doing level 5 puzzles when she was six months old.  She also has a very high vocabulary. I swear when I speak to her, she just stares like she understands everything I am saying. I have only heard Brownie whine one time. It was four hours after his surgery. I looked at his vet and said “Something is wrong, Brownie does not whine.”  The vet assured me that he was just coming out of the anesthesia.  That is the first and last time I ever heard Brownie whine. Now Kenzie whines everyday!  Kenzie whines if she drops her ball off the bed. If Kenzie wants yogurt she will sit in front of the refrigerator and whine.  If someone knocks at the door Kenzie will whine. If Kenzie wants to do a puzzle she whine!

Brownie was a lovable dog, but he showed his love in a different way.  Brownie didn’t give kisses. He would stick that big head up to my face as close as he could get and take three sniffs. If I was happy he would wag his tail.  If I was sad he would bring me a toy. Brownie was always in protective mode. He did not cuddle but laid at my feet. At night he would jump in the bed, lay at my feet and face the door.  It was like he was on watch.  Now Kenzie, she gives so many kisses sometimes I think she is trying to give me a bath

Something I thought was kinda interesting was happening in our home.  It started about two years ago, but has not happened in several months.  Those of you that know of Brownie know that 7:00 pm was Brownie’s favorite time of the day.  It was cookie time! Everynight when Kenzie and I would be on the couch at 7:00 she would sit up, look into the kitchen and bark. But there was nothing there.  Then after a few minutes she would just lay back down. I thought maybe it was shadows, so some nights I would leave the light on and some nights turn the lights off.  But it kept happening every night at 7:00.  After a couple of months at 7:00 she would sit up and just stare off into the kitchen.  I read that some animals can see spirit animals. Could it have been Brownie visiting?  I sure would like to think so.  Another thing,  when Kenzie sees dogs and other animals on TV she barks!  Yes, Kenzie watches TV.  But when I play a video of Brownie she just stares. I play a video of Sassy, Max or even her, she barks.  But not when the video is of Brownie.

So, to sum up, Brownie and Kenzie are two different dogs.  There is a bond, but the bond is different. But it should be because they are each their own dog. 

Do I still miss Brownie? Absolutely!  Do I still cry? Absolutely!  Do I love Kenzie? Absolutely!

My Dear Beloved Brownie, I love you yesterday, I love you today, and I will love you always!!! You will always me my boy and I will always be you mom…

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 5th, 2024 at 12:58 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.