Today on March 5, 2021 is Brownie’s one year Angelversary. I never thought of life without Brownie. It was not an option! When Brownie was first diagnosed with Osteosarcoma I prayed every night for one more day. Please, just one more day. We were blessed with 373 more days. I have read that many members ask “how do I know when it’s time”? Well, I can’t answer for everyone but I can tell you how I knew Brownie was ready. Brownie was tired. When I looked in his eyes I no longer saw his sparkle. I could no longer feel his soul. It was like looking at a blank page. Brownie could have held on longer but he was no longer happy. When we first began this journey I promised Brownie I would not be selfish. I would not hold on to him for me. So, I kept my promise and said goodbye even though it was one the hardest things I ever had to do, but I did it for Brownie.
I have found it’s the little things that I miss so much! Brownie coming up to me with a sparkle in his eye and love in his heart just to say “I love you mom”. The deep Woof Woof when the garage door opens. Greeting me at the door with a wagging tail and a stuffy in his mouth. And the famous Woof Woof at 7:00 pm, cookie time. I have realized that the little things are the most important things. The things I treasure the most!
For such a long time I felt like I fell in a black hole and could not find my way out. On August 22, 2020 the sun began to shine. A sick 12 week old puppy came into my life, who I named Kenzie. Some people said I was trying to replace Brownie. When I hear that all I can do is laugh! There will always only be one “Brownie Bubba Bell” and he is irreplaceable! The way Kenzie’s story unfolded, some of you have said Kenzie was sent by Brownie. When Kenzie began to heal, I noticed the white fur on her chest was in the shape of an Angel. I would like to think Brownie put it there just to let me know that he is watching over us. Kenzie has definitely found a home in my heart.
When Brownie passed a lot of you told me “Brownie doesn’t want you to be sad”. To tell you the truth I didn’t believe it. I thought “they are just saying that to make me feel better”. I started thinking back, and I remember I always worried if something happened to me, what would happen to Brownie? Brownie would not go with another human, and the thought of him ending up in a shelter was devastating. So, I thought that Grizzly and his dad would be the best option since Brownie loved Grizzly so much. So I made arrangements with Grizzly’s dad and funds would be provided for Brownie’s care if something happened to me. I just wanted Brownie to be happy! Then it all clicked. I wanted Brownie to be happy if something happened to me. So, of course Brownie wants me to be happy! Maybe he did send Kenzie to make me happy? It finally all clicked in this thick stubbrand head of mine. Brownie wants me to be happy!
This is my final tribute to Brownie. I never thought I would say this but It is time to say goodbye. Not that I will ever stop missing Brownie. Not that I will ever stop thinking about Brownie. Not that I will ever stop loving Brownie. I will still have tears, but laughter as well as the memories come pouring in. As long as I have the memories Brownie will never die. It is time to set him free. I do not want Brownie to feel strapped down because of my grief. I don’t want Brownie to feel guilty because I am sad. I have always been so proud of Brownie for so many reasons, and I know whatever journey he is on he is still making me proud. This is not a sad time. I finally got it! I know that Brownie is fine and happy again! The only thing that matters is Brownie is happy! He is in a beautiful place, pain free and whole again, and at the same time I know he is still with me. He is feeling a love that the rest of us can only imagine. Now it is time for Brownie to be proud of me! I truly believe the way I can make Brownie proud of me is to move forward with life and to be happy!
When the day comes my ashes will be spread with Brownie’s ashes. But until that day comes I will embrace each day as Brownie taught me, and as Brownie did. I know Brownie will be watching and looking over us the entire time. I know in my heart, one day Brownie and I will be together again….
My Dear Beloved Brownie, Thank you for picking me! Thank you for loving me! Thank you for your loyalty! Thank you for always standing by me through the hard times and the good times! Thank you for being there when no one else was! Thank you for all the lessons you taught me! Most of all, Thank you for just being you! You will always be my heart, and I will never ever forget you!
I loved you yesterday, I love you today and I will love you always!
Mom
March 6th, 2021 at 2:02 am
Sending hugs and special thoughts to you on this day. The firsts are always hard.
love the video of Brownie thanks for sharing it.
sending hugs
Michelle & Angels Sassy, Bosch, Baby Simba and Sweet Snickers
March 6th, 2021 at 7:59 pm
SO beautiful Nancy! I love this video, you put such heart and soul into showing all of Brownie’s life with you, and honoring Kenzie’s arrival too (thank you Brownie!).
As I mentioned in the Forums, you are spot-on and so wise. Letting go of grief doesn’t mean feeling any less love for our departed loved ones. It means you have reached the point where you can enjoy the good times you shared without staying in the cycle of heartbreak. Brownie is so proud of his mama for learning that lesson~!